There’d been a number of nights when I’d felt anything but
peace. This, unfortunately, is one of them. It’d only been recently that I’d
gotten back into writing, and as was the trend in the past, I figured writing
could help me sort through the mental and emotional clutter. So here I am . . .
On my laptop at 10:35 p.m.
Back in the day, the culprits of the
niggling in the back of my mind and the heavy feeling in my heart were
typically my studies (way back in the day), office workload, familial issues,
and, of course, the ever pesky (then non-existent) love life. So much angst for
such a tiny human it’s almost laughable. Almost.
Thankfully, I’ve been blessed so
immensely by the Big Man upstairs that I no longer have to worry so much about them:
I’ve been finished with school for two years now; I’ve got the hang of stuff in
the office (still working on the kinks but it’s been good so far); my family’s
finally acting like a family again after quite some time; and I’m in a
wonderful relationship with an amazing, loving man.
But somehow, something’s still thrown
that balance off.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve
been jealous, highly insecure, and pretty harsh on myself. (The traits of a
healthy, well-adjusted human being, right?) These days, I’ve been feeling the
weight of my jealous insecurities all the more so, particularly as regards my
boyfriend’s former flame.
I’m not sure what it is particularly
that sets this off. It could be part of the female programming to incessantly
compare oneself with the other; it could be the human disposition to want to
find some flaw in another to, hopefully, gain some twisted sense of reassurance
that one has one-upped the other; it could also be pain-seeking behavior. I don’t
know. All I know is something is wrong with my heart.
As I scrolled through my playlist a
while back in the hopes of finding a song to act as a soothing balm to my weary
heart and exhausted mind, the lyrics to “Learning to Breathe” suddenly came to me.
Then all the things that my dear friend Patty told me—about how to leave my
troubles up to God—washed over me like cool, refreshing springwater. I was
reminded of something vital that Patty just pointed out to me last Friday: I’m
missing something in my life. I’m missing Him.
While I’d already started praying
about these insecurities, I know I’m still struggling with them. I recognize
that this struggle is one of my big battles. But I’m trusting that everything
will be fine, that He is working on my heart, even now as I type. There’s still
some ground to cover as I work on having a relationship with God, but I’m
slowly getting there. Baby steps.
And
maybe someday, I can stop learning altogether and just breathe.
