Alone. There's not a more accurate word to sum up what I'm feeling now.
The person with whom I used to share everything, the first one I ran to (chatted, texted, or called) when I was overwhelmed with all the forky bits of life, I can't confide in anymore because he's also hurting from my decision. In fact, getting to tell him how much I love him, something that although said with all the sincerity and all the love my little five-foot frame allowed was the norm back then, is but a luxury I can't afford now.
I walk on eggshells around my family because none of them truly understand. One goes off with rather thoughtless remarks about my lack of cleaning around the house; another freaks out when I run to my room to cry; another is constantly busy and not sure how to handle me with the delicate state I'm in; and the other one seems to have detached himself from the family unit.
My spiritual family, the ones who truly understand, also have lives and troubles of their own. I couldn't possibly unload everything on them whenever my pain hits me like a ton of bricks.
God has truly hedged me in this time. I have no one else to turn to, nowhere else to run. I admit that it's quite uncomfortable. But I let Him have it. All of it.
I cried hot, ugly tears. I exclaimed, "I'm so tired, Lord! Please help me."
I thought about how exhausted I was putting on a front every day so that my family didn't freak out that I was being less like a normal human being. I thought about how unfair it was that I had to be saddled with so much pain, but my family seems to have forgotten that it's only been weeks. I thought about how badly I wanted to have the man I love back in my life. I thought about the possibility of my holding onto God's promises for me and my love individually (and maybe together) to be nothing but blind faith. I thought about how much I wanted for God to just appear out of thin air and hug me and heal my heart.
At some point, I resorted to the next best thing. I Googled "god when will the pain and crying end." I spotted one article that seemed promising; perhaps the writer understands what I'm going through. The title read, "Where Is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?" Sure enough, there was a reference to Job. But what grabbed me, made me identify with the writer was the part about wanting God to speak for Himself, to answer, to be more tangible to me.
After reading through it, I decided to check out the image results for kicks. Wouldn't you know it, after a few scrolls down, I had what I wanted.
If this post were to be of any merit, it'd be solely in the fact that there is proof. That God sees your tears, hears your cries, and answers your pleas. So keep your eyes peeled and your heart open. He might be speaking to you right now.
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