Not too long ago, my mind had flirted with fantasies of death. Or if not death, then a rip in the space-time continuum, allowing for me to hide under the fabric of time, in a pocket in between dimensions.
The day after my parents' wedding anniversary (over breakfast, no less), a throwaway remark had caught me off guard and surprisingly hurt me.
Last Sunday, after a late lunch, I'd had to revisit and stay in the place where I ended things with IB.
The day before yesterday, I had to refuse a simple request from someone dear to me, something I also desired (which I kinda fulfilled later on anyway).
And right before sleeping last night (or a few hours ago), I read something that, yet again, broke my already-broken heart.
At this point, it would be so easy to just throw in the towel - denounce God and/or find a means (preferably pointy and serrated) to end it all. Sometimes it does get tempting, but thankfully, my Father hasn't allowed me to give in/give up.
Whenever life seems to back me in a corner to beat me to a pulp, I'm pushed to a point of desperation, a place where I'm left with no other recourse but to run or limp or simply turn to God. Now, this is not to say that God gets a kick out of seeing His children grovel. Instead, He is nothing but patient and ready and willing to hear anyone out and comfort them.
For me personally, He lets me feel what needs to be felt. He lets me cry out to Him and vent and purge out the storms, frustrations, vitriol, bad juju, etc. He lets me cling onto Him when my knees can no longer support the weight of my body and my heart. And He does all this in love.
Months ago, I've given up asking Him why all this pain was necessary because I could not hear Him in the midst of my anger. It was only recently, after having gotten the habit of surrendering to Him everything daily, that He showed me the answer.
This continuous cycle of suffering - of breaking and emptying - is not only the consequence of sin coming into this world long ago, thereby tarnishing His perfect design. This cycle of breaking and emptying is key so that we can all experience the glory of God through His grace upon grace (John 1:16).
I noticed that God never did forsake me after each painful hurdle mentioned above. After every single one, He showed me grace in one form or another.
• Shortly after wishing for the comfort of death about a month ago, God allowed a short conversation with IB; and He allowed me to be comforted by him and to see another part of his heart.
• After leaving the dining table because of a simple enough (though thoughtless) comment from my mother over breakfast, my Auntie Lourdes followed me into the room and listened to me as I expressed my frustrations. Not only did she listen and hold me the whole time, but she also prayed for me. And I had just met her a couple or so months before that!
• Last Sunday, after service and lunch, I had to settle in a milk tea place that I had scorned because it was where I let IB read the letter that ended us. (Other cafés were full. How lucky.) As I continued on with my study starting from John 3:7, God lovingly reminded me why I surrendered my life to Him.
And because God's a little funny, when everything clicked for me - from the place to His message - the song that played on my phone was Hillsong's "Christ Is Enough."
• When I received a text asking how I was from IB's father the day before, he also requested that I talk to IB again. It was hard to refuse him, especially since I desired the same thing; but I did let him know that I will always love his son. It was through this exchange that I saw his heart - the heart of a father who loves his son so much and wishes for nothing but his happiness.
• And last night, the most painful hurdle yet (next to the breakup), I read a new poetry entry that left me a blubbering broken mess. I checked both my devotional apps and the verse of the day on my Bible app, and all of them gave me the comfort and assurance that I needed (still need).
Yes, each one hurt and momentarily robbed me of peace of mind. And yes, there will be more pain in the future. But as it has been evident, proven to me time and again, whatever may be intended to harm me, God will use for good (Gen. 50:20). And if this breaking and emptying can afford me more of God Himself - His heart, His peace, His closeness - then I will welcome it all with arms wide and palms open.
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. (Ps. 27:13-14, NIV)
Stay golden, hupomone, and God bless you!
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